Glad last night's homesickness is much more bearable now. And it's given me some insight into my life. So if you don't want to listen to my feelings/discoveries/crazy thoughts I would wait until the next post.

Today I have had the most awesome life changing epiphanies.

Firstly, I've come to realize exactly what Emma has been talking about since we've been here. Being abroad makes you realize exactly how little you've experienced of your own country. The US is HUGE and each region/state/city is extremely different. I've only experienced life in the midwest, and even then, just Ohio for that matter.

Tangent:
It would be amazing to live in France for the rest of my life, but, in all honesty, if I don't marry a French guy and/or don't find a job that's willing to get me a visa I can't legally stay here.

1. Now, it's true that very few girls my age would get stopped by the police and booted out of the country for being an illegal immigrant. I; however, wouldn't enjoy the daily stress that would be added by being in a country that I'm not allowed to be in at the moment.
2. Now, I'll still hold out hope that maybe, one day, a French guy will fall in love with me (yes, I phrased it that way....what? You think I haven't already fallen in love with a French guy? Have you heard them talk? *melt*) and we'll have a hasty wedding (even though that differs quite a bit from my previous views on marriage) and I'll get to stay here forever. How nice. How romantic. How unrealistic.
3. The truth is, I'm not going to spend the next 5 months waiting for someone to fall for me. And I'm not going to dream about my future based on that quite impossible possibility. If someone falls in love with me.....great....but I'm not going to go looking for it. If someone falls for me the fact that I could have a green card to France would be a happy coincidence, and I think I'd just have to be happy that someone finally cares about me the way I should be cared about.

Because, all in all, that's what really matters.

4. The first step to finding a job that would give me a visa to be here would be to get my Masters and TEFL. Okay, maybe not the masters, but def. the TEFL, and I might as well spend another year and get the degree anyway. Not to mention that this may give me a little time to figure out the next phase of my life. Which will officially be called, from now on, Amanda's Travelin' 20's.

So, let me introduce you to my plan for the next 8 years or so (if I live past 27).

Amanda's Travelin' 20's:
If I can't spend my life traveling in Europe I want to spend it traveling in the US. Luckily, this is possible for the following reasons:

1. Being abroad has given me this incredible feeling of empowerment. No, really. I hopped a plane with a few bucks and a job in line. That's it.

No really.

Think about it for a moment.

That's it.

In a week I made friends, found a place to live, and started a new job that I was/am quite under qualified for. At the age of 21. In a different language.

I feel, no, I KNOW I can do the same in the states. It's in English. I'm allowed to live there. And frankly none of that matters as long as you have the magic word........

connections.

2. After you have the confidence, it's all about connections. Luckily in this day and age, e-mail, facebook, and just the internet in general make, literally, ANYTHING possible. I met the girls before I came here and one of them knew somebody here and Grace was looking for places before we got here and etc. etc. etc. It's all about knowing people.

3. And I have come to the realization that I know people. I have met people since I've been here and, actually, I knew people before I came. I have an aunt and an uncle in Louisiana, Krystal and Chelsea are from California, Emma's brother lives in New York, Erin lived in Boston for a year, Diana's from Chicago, etc. All it takes is to call in a favor: "Can you give me the names of private schools in your area?", "Could you help me find an apartment?" "Is Target hiring?", etc. and some good old-fashioned google-ing. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. I can live anywhere I want. Who cares if you're working a crappy job for a month before you find something permanent? And if you don't like the place....you don't have to stay! Move on to the next destination. See the world (or at least part of it). Explore. Live.

4. I'm almost 22. People around me are getting married. People are settling into cubicle jobs. People are paying off their student loans. People are giving up. Today, February 15, 2010 I vow not to live that life. I'm not ready to settle down. I don't think I'll ever "settle down". This is a norm society has pushed on us, especially in Ohio, and I don't want it. Yes, it's scary to get out there. Yes, it's difficult. Sure, I probably won't ever be able to afford the car of my dreams, or maybe even own my own house. I might never be like everybody else. But, I'll get to see the world. We only have one life to live. And I don't want a life of mediocrity. I've already had everything stable in my life ripped from me, so what's the point of going looking for it? Why not create something new and exciting and truly, truly, possible?

5. And love. It always comes back to love. I've been searching for the one for quite some time. I've fallen in love with people I shouldn't've. I've fallen in love with people who don't love me back. And, I've fallen in love with people who have not treated me the way I deserve to be treated. And I'm done with it. I'm done trying. If someone wants to join me on my adventures in life, then of course they are more than welcome! And I more than look forward to that day. This is something I cannot control. This is something that will arrive or it won't. But, as of this day, it is no longer my focus. My focus is on living. Because that's what is truly important.

6. Don't forget friends, of course. I've realized over here that as I've always said, my friends are extremely important to me. Luckily, most of them have supported me in my jump across the ocean, and most of them have done an amazing job of staying in touch. My friends, the ones who truly care about me of course, are interested in what's going on and they aren't afraid to share details of what's going on with them. And yes, I misssssssssssssssss them. I miss them so much it hurts. But I love having these adventures and being able to share them with them and hearing their reactions and discussing what's going on with them and.........in essence.......still being friends. It's possible. It truly is. There's an ocean and 6 hours separating us, but I feel just as close to (most) my friends as I did back home. And sure, some of my friends have forgotten me. Some of them don't stay in touch the way I wish they would. It just truly shows who your true friends are. (And this is not a dig at those who don't stay in touch, no more passive-agressive bs from me. This is just the truth) And I love them. I love my friends so friggin' much for how much they support me. And I know that whatever dream I follow, they'll be there for me. Just as I'll be there for them (especially if they choose to participate in Amanda's Travelin' 20's........just so you know, the offer stands) no matter the path they choose.

7. Of course, making friends wherever you're living is super important to enjoying you're experience. It was my number one fear before coming over here, after all, who wants to be alone? The problem with being abroad/not home is that when you feel alone you feel truly alone. You wake up in the middle of the night crying from the dream that you had and have nobody to share it with. And it's scary. And depressing. And horrible. But then you wake up the next morning and you see your life, a town, everything before you and you're not homesick anymore. You wait several hours and then you get to call the people you love. Or write a letter. Or anything. Luckily, I have discovered that people like me. I'm a good friend. People like being my friend. I like being their friend. Perhaps I've never given myself credit for the person that I am. I, like many others, have never liked myself, and I probably never will. But as long as a few other people wherever I'm living do, then that's all that matters. I can make friends. I can make friends very easily (re: Otter). So, I guess that it's good that this is always my biggest fear, because it's the easiest one for me to do something about when I arrive.


So, overall, what's the plan you ask? The plan is as follows:
1. Get into grad school (fingers crossed!)
2. Spend time in grad school deciding where next adventure will be.
3. Call up connections, etc.
4. Get the hell out of Ohio.

Because it's worth trying. And I can do it. And if not, at least I can say I tried.

Always,
Amanda