Ch-ch-ch-changes!

So, here's another blog that you'll want to skip.

Tonight I saw "Up in the air" and although I found it hard to connect to the characters (which I've been having a problem with lately) it made me reflect on my life....which I guess would be considered connecting with one of the characters.

Anyway..... here's the bottom line.

I've changed. I'm not the same person I was two years ago (and this will be made painfully obvious in about 2 days). I'm not the same person I was last year in school. I am definitely not the same person I was last summer (thank GOD!). And.....finally.... I'm not the same person I was 6 months ago, 3 months ago, or even last week. Things are changing rapidly and, for the most part, I think this is a good thing. It's hard to explain exactly what's changed, and most of the extremely personal stuff I would not feel comfortable writing in a blog... I just feel, different. Completely different.

There are things I used to think about all the time that I don't anymore. There are things I never even considered that now I'm considering. There are things I did in the past that I will never do again in the future. There are ideals that I'm willing to stand up for now. There are dreams I have that I couldn't even imagine dreaming before.

The biggest change, I think, would be that I feel like I have a future now. I don't know what it is (I have some plans, but not many) and that's okay. I know that it's not what I wanted a year ago. The world of academia is tempting. It sounds so horrible, but I'm smart. Smart people go to school. Smart people are told by other smart people how to study and learn and get a degree and be a professor. All of this is so smart people can teach other people how to be smart.

But I don't NEED to do this.

I don't WANT to do this.

I have found that I am perfectly capable of learning SO SO much without a textbook in front of me.

It is hard to believe that currently one of the smartest people I know and the person with whom I spend the majority of my time with over here didn't even graduate high school. And we are constantly matched in wits. And I can't think of anyone I'd rather spend my time with.

We've been told that you have to go to college to get smart. And keep studying, studying, studying. And, you know what? It's really f-ing hard to work your knowledge of French Renaissance Poetry into a conversation with a normal person.

I'm just sayin'.....

The world of academia is wonderful and fun and interesting and SAFE.

And I think I'm finally comfortable enough with my ability to LIVE that I don't need it anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still going back for my Masters.....but I'm doing it to teach, to have an effect on other people's lives. To show them how cool languages are and then give them a shove out into the real world. I'm not going to teach them how to be smart or ace that exam for the grade...... I'm going to teach them how to communicate with MILLIONS of other people who only speak this language.

I'm realizing that I'm never going to change the world as a whole.

But if I can help one person. If I can make life better for one person.......isn't that changing the world as well? And what if I can do that for ten people? Twenty?

This is what will fulfill me. It may not keep food on the table or keep me warm at night... but it's what I need to do.

There is so much more I need to say about how life is different now, but I don't even know where to begin or how to describe it. I guess this whole "future" talk is just one of the examples of the radical changes that are going on. And....for once in my life, I think I'm accepting these changes in the most beautiful way.

I would write that I fear that when I get back to the US my friends won't want me anymore or my family won't recognize me.......but....... of course they will. The true friends I have will always accept me for whoever I am at the moment. And family, well, you don't get to pick....ha ha.

So, anyway. Sorry I blabbed for so long and I wish I could do a better job describing what's going on, but it's quite impossible and I'm getting sick of the "g" on my keyboard sticking.

Happy Jesus Zombie Day.

Always,
Amanda